'Lost' (short story)

Lost

a short story

by Gudrun Rogge-Wiest

2012-13

English translation of 'Der verlorene Sohn'

by the same author.

Inspired by Hanif Kureishi´s “My Son the Fanatic”

and

the students of my English courses

All characters appearing in this work are fictitious.

Any resemblance to real persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental.

I.

Regina is slightly out of breath as always after climbing up the staircase to her flat on the third floor of a late 19^th century town house with two heavy shopping bags. Rummaging around in her hand bag, she finds her keys and unlocks the door. “I am home, darling!” she calls cheerfully. “Tea will be ready in a minute!”

She can just hear the indistinct monosyllable with which Felix replies, and she smiles tenderly while unpacking her shopping bags in the kitchen. She is looking forward to their meal together although he doesn´t usually talk much. Recently, he has become even quieter, but that´s what boys are like at that age.

As she is laying the table, she suddenly hears him call: “I don´t want to eat, I´m going to meet some friends.”

“When ….?” she just manages to utter, but the door to the flat has already snapped shut.

Her joyful anticipation turns into profound sadness. Since she became self-employed, she hasn´t had enough time for him. The psychoanalyst´s practice which she had bought was well-received from the beginning and she was able to attract more and more new patients. At first she stayed at home two afternoons a week, but in the long term she didn´t have the courage to reject new patients. So she soon found herself working full time never returning home before evening.

Meanwhile, Felix has turned 16, and he goes to the Marie-Luise-Gymnasium. He is neither one of the top students nor one of the most popular ones, and she has come to feel that he isn´t as open any more about school and his relations with his classmates as she wishes him to be. She would like him to have a really good friend and to develop an interest in some field which would absorb his attention and build his self-esteem.

Recently, he has often gone out after tea to meet friends.

II

Although she has been ravenous, she is unable to eat anything now. Instead, she follows the impulse to go into Felix´ room. As the curtains aren´t drawn, it is filled with the orange light from the street lamp outside. She crosses over to his desk and looks out of the window. The building opposite is wrapped in orange fog. She can just see the outline of the wrought-iron fence in front of it. Once in a while someone hurries along the pavement, shoulders pulled up, looking straight ahead thinking of home.

She sits down on the swivel chair in front of the desk her gaze wandering towards the piano which is covered with piles of paper. Despite her attempts to motivate him he stopped taking piano lessons in September. She is wondering if he still reads books. The book shelves look too neat, as if he hasn´t taken anything out for a long time. Reading has always been important to her. Time and again she gave him tips for the library or bought him a book for a present. While they were both reading the Harry Potter books, one after the other, all seven of them, they shared their impressions with each other during their evening meals. She was happy then.

The doors of the wardrobe on the opposite wall are half open. The black hooded jacket which he likes so much is draped over the right door. Between the doors some T-shirts and trousers which he hasn´t hung up are sticking out. There is a new poster to the right of the wardrobe showing a warrior. With his sword drawn and the visor of his helmet pulled down, he swoops on her.

Sighing wearily she gets up and once more looks out of the window. Just as she wants to leave, her attention is attracted by the cartoon figures which he has sketched on the desk pad. She recognizes Mickey Mouse and Donald Duck captured in different ridiculous postures admiring Felix´ talent for bringing them to life. The figures with the turtle faces and blindfolds leaving holes for the eyes look quite funny, too. But there is also the warrior she has seen on the poster. In his left hand he is holding a long sword with a curved blade in front of his chest as in defense, and in his right hand a short sword ready to thrust. She is wondering what this is supposed to mean.

On turning away she notices a photo leaning against the letter tray in the left corner which shows some dark figures. After switching on the desk lamp she can see young men lined up like a football team wearing black hooded jackets. The hoods cast shadows on their faces which make it impossible to recognize anyone. Are they Felix´ friends?

A large banner is hoisted behind the group saying 'Free Youth' in black letter script framed by four-pointed crosses. What kind of club might that be? She would call Friedhelm and ask his advice. As a young journalist he once wrote an article about youth cultures. She has long wanted to talk with him about his son anyway.

III

Regina hangs up her coat in the wardrobe of the 'Golden Dragon' and turns slowly towards the table at the window where Felix and Friedhelm are just shaking hands. She notices Felix meeting his father´s gaze with a reserved almost sullen expression. It wasn´t easy to persuade him to have dinner together. Now, she hopes so much that he will open up and that they will get along.

“Well, what are you up to?” she hears Friedhelm ask lightly.

“What do you want to hear?” Felix replies sullenly.

“How are things at school? What do you do in your free time?” Friedhelm asks cheerfully.
“You don´t really want to know this, do you?”, Felix retorts suspiciously.

“Please, give me a chance, Felix”, Friedhelm pleads. “You can trust us, your Mum and me. We know that things can go wrong. We have made mistakes, too.”

“You don´t know anything at all”, Felix snarls.

“Let´s have a look at the menu first”, says Regina calmly.

“Why are we eating here of all places?” Felix asks grumpily. “I don´t like the food. I´m fed up with your obsession by foreign stuff!”

“If we ask them politely, you can certainly get a Wiener Schnitzel and some chips”, says Regina soothingly.

“That´s not the point”, says Felix wearily. “I am just sick of your drivel about multi-cultural living and your culture fad gets on my nerves – 'have you done your piano practice? What are you reading at the moment? What about having a go at the 'Young Actors'? … you don´t have a clue!”

“Why does the 'Free Youth' appeal to you so much?” asks Friedhelm. “Mum spotted the photo on your desk.”

“I´ve made friends there”, Felix replies defiantly. “They listen to me and they understand why I sometimes feel like crap at school. They said they would beat up anyone who laughs at me. Next weekend we are going on a training camp.”

“No, you are not. I won´t give you permission”, says Friedhelm firmly, suddenly looking pale and worn.

“I don´t care!” shouts Felix jumping up and knocking over his chair. ”Like it or not, I´m not going to quit the 'Free Youth'!

He grabs his jacket and storms out.

IV

Friedhelm has just proofread his article in memory of the Reichstag fire. Tired but content, he shuts the door of his editor´s office behind him, takes his jacket off the hanger and descends the staircase. After dealing so intensely with the atrocities of the Nazis once more, he feels a little proud of present-day Germany with its Basic Law as a strong foundation of the democratic state granting human rights and civil rights to its citizens whereas intolerance and racism have become practically marginal within the well-established multi-cultural society. When he opens the front door he is dazzled by the bright sunlight. He dives into the crowd of people who enjoy their free Saturday afternoon window-shopping or just going for a stroll. Their love of life is catching. He decides to seize the day and to head towards the 'Chocolate Factory', his favourite café, to avoid the loneliness and the nagging worries about Felix. From his table at the window on the first floor he enjoys watching the street life taking sips of black coffee and eating a piece of chocolate cake.

He must have been lost in thought as suddenly he becomes aware that the picture in front of his eyes has changed. At the corner of Friedrich and Oranienburger Streets, not even a hundred yards ahead, a crowd has gathered. He can see policemen with riot shields cordoning off the entrance to Oranienburger Street. Young people in black try to break through the barriers in different places, but they are fended off. He can hear their incensed voices.

Meanwhile he has grasped the situation. Demonstrators on Friedrich Street are marching in his direction. They are wearing black hoods which cast shadows on their faces. Now he can read the slogans on their banners: 'Protect Women, No To Sharia', 'We want our country back' and 'No surrender'.

He drops his gaze staring at the liquid at the bottom of his coffee cup which is so black that the china doesn´t shine through.

V

He is sitting on his sofa swirling the amber-coloured liquid in the half-empty whiskey glass which he is holding between his hands. He feels desperate. What shall he do? He ought to talk to Felix as soon as possible. But what is he supposed to say? He gets up and starts pacing from the living room into his study, from there into the kitchen and back into the living room. Meanwhile, darkness has fallen. Unable to think clearly, he takes his coat from the wardrobe in the corridor and heads for Regina´s flat.

He notices the skeptical expression on her face when she sees him standing in front of the door. Without saying a word she points to Felix´ room and withdraws into the kitchen. Opening the door he feels his heart beating. Felix who is sitting at his desk turns towards him and looks straight at him in a challenging way.

“What do you want?” he asks threateningly.

“I would like to be friends with you”, says Friedhelm calmly.

“I don´t need you any more”, Felix replies coldly. “I don´t care if you mind or no.”

He turns away and stares out of the window.

With two strides Friedhelm is behind Felix grabbing his shoulders, shaking him furiously and shouting:

“You idiot! You don´t know what you are doing!”

In despair, Friedhelm covers his face with his hands and turns away. Feeling utterly hopeless he leaves the room, hurries downstairs and slams the front door shut.

VI

After letting Friedhelm in, she returns to the kitchen, sits down at the table and looks at her hands lying in front of her with her fingers entwined. She doubts that Friedhelm will make any impact on Felix´ mind except for straining their relations even more. He has always believed in tackling problems as soon as they come up such as sewing on a button when it has snapped off. But people are more complex than this.

She hears him shouting, and the door slamming shut right after makes her jump. Although she considers him rash, she understands what has driven him on. He desperately wanted to retrieve Felix from the sinister powers that had taken hold of him. Knowing Felix, she herself has been fighting the urge to have a debate on principles. She is aware that she would only get on his nerves if she tried to influence him in any way. On the other hand she is afraid that the longer he takes part in their activities the more he might identify with the group.

Felix is a mystery to her. She is unable to grasp that he feels at home in a fascist organisation. She herself loathes extreme right-wing ideology. To hate people just because of their origin or their religion seems to her incredibly base. What on earth can fill a person´s heart with so much hatred?

She would like to talk with someone about her worries and fears, but she flinches from burdening her mother with them and feels ashamed in front of her friends. She has never felt so lonely.

VII

With a tremendous effort of will she manages to concentrate on her work, but as soon as she is on her way home her thoughts drift towards Felix. He evaded her when she brought up the argument with his father, and she does not believe that pressurizing him will do any good.

She knows that he met with his new friends on Sunday afternoon to play football and that he went to school on Monday, as usual. When she was on her way home that evening, she bumped into him on the pavement in front of the house. He was sweating and out of breath wearing a tracksuit and trainers. “I have been jogging around the park”, he says.

“Well”, she thinks. “There is definitely no harm in his doing more sports.”

She has always worried about him because he was extremely sensitive. As a toddler he was both anxious and clumsy, so he often hurt himself. If things didn´t work out as he wanted them to, he threw a tantrum destroying what he had created, a jigsaw puzzle or a castle made of building bricks. It only took a door slamming shut or a plate or a glass falling down and shattering on the stone tiles of the kitchen floor to make him cry. When she and Friedhelm argued he sensed it immediately even if they didn´t shout at each other. Shy of strangers he was sitting on her lap almost all the time when she visited friends and didn´t let her go out of the room on her own. It wasn´t easy for her to come to terms with this. There was even a time when he was frightened of Friedhelm when he came home which hurt him deeply. He was happiest when she sat down with him on the floor playing with him or reading out loud to him.

She joined a toddler club for Felix to get in touch with other children, but Felix hardly ever moved away from her. It also took a long time till she could drop him off at nursery school without him bursting into tears. Maybe he sensed that she yearned to go back to work, that she didn´t want to stay at home with him all day, so he clung to her even more.

Only when they visited her parents in Hamburg was he not shy which led to the decision that she and Felix would live with them for 3 years while she worked at the university hospital in order to get the licence to practise as a psychoanalyst. The spacious late 19^th century villa with the big garden was a paradise for Felix. He was sitting in the sand box for hours baking cakes for Grandma and Grandpa. In summer they put up an inflatable swimming pool. Coming back home from the hospital, Regina could sometimes hear Felix laughing and squealing with pleasure.

She knew that Friedhelm felt excluded from their happy family life. Moreover, relations between Friedhelm and her father had been troubled from the beginning. “It sometimes seems to me that your father has diagnosed me as not quite worthy of you”, he remarked once. Of course, her father would have preferred her to marry a doctor. A journalist – that was not an occupation for a man who had to provide for a family.

“Don´t take it personally”, he said. “But most journalists are more interested in scandals than in objective news reporting.

Although as a doctor he had been faced with a lot of suffering, he was irritated by Friedhelm´s social criticism. ”It is impossible to cure the world´s ills with words”, he said with an edge to his voice.

Although Friedhelm seemed to take this lightly and remained admirably cheerful, she sensed that he felt deeply humiliated. Admittedly, she should have done more to make him remain a part of the family, but she couldn´t accept that he was so seldom at home. In theory, she was aware that as a journalist he had to be on the move a lot and to work in the evenings and at the weekends if there was a deadline, but nevertheless she wished that he would spend more time with her and Felix. When they returned to their flat in Berlin after she passed her final exam, she hoped that it would be a new start for Felix and Friedhelm. But 7-year-old Felix still didn´t like being alone with his father. He would be absent-minded and listless which naturally discouraged and annoyed Friedhelm.

Anyway, Friedhelm withdrew more and more into his work. When Felix turned eight, he started to do stints as a correspondent in foreign countries. On his returns Felix would treat him with reserve and suspicion. In retrospect, Regina acknowledges that Friedhelm never gave up trying to gain Felix` trust and affection in spite of all the setbacks. Now, he is certainly terribly depressed about his failure to patch things up. She decides to ask him to meet up in order to discuss what they could do to help Felix.

VIII

Right on emerging from the staircase, he spots her sitting at a table at the window looking down at the street. “Sorry for being late”, he says in greeting. “I had to finish editing tomorrow´s culture section, first.”

“It´s all right”, she replies soothingly. “I am not in a hurry. It has been a treat to just sit and watch people.”

He orders a cup of coffee and leans against the back of the chair with a resigned expression on his face. Stretching his long legs out under the table, he accidentally brushes against hers. He apologizes hastily feeling embarrassed.

“No cake?” she asks smiling roguishly.

“No appetite for cake any more”, he replies. “But I could never do without coffee. … I acted like a complete idiot on Saturday. I´m sure I don´t stand any chance of making it up with Felix after that.“

“Losing your temper you showed how much you care”, says Regina comfortingly.

“In any case, I shouldn´t have grabbed and shaken him”, Friedhelm admits in agony.

He leans forward putting his elbows on the table and covering his face with his hands.

“Have you talked with him since?” he asks.

Regina shakes her head. “I´m sure, I wouldn´t make much headway if I brought up his relations with the 'Free Youth'. He is rather touchy about me intruding on his privacy, you know.”

“So are you saying there is nothing we can do?” Friedhelm asks desperately

“I suggest we give him permission to go on a training camp”, says Regina flatly.

“To help him integrate with the Nazis ?” sneers Friedhelm.

“We should take the risk”, Regina admits. “ The chances are that Felix doesn´t know all about 'Free Youth', yet. At the training camp he might see and experience stuff which he doesn´t like and which could destroy his illusions. Unless I am very much mistaken, he will try to blend in and avoid making mistakes. So he isn´t very likely to come to any harm.”

Friedhelm looks out of the window onto the busy street, lost in thought. The plan seems to him too bold. Why can´t Felix just quit the 'Free youth' and be done with it? But Regina is right. He would never listen to his parents! A training camp – from Friday afternoon till Sunday lunchtime. Hardly 48 hours. Of course, it is quite likely that it´ll make Felix identify even more with the group. So what would have to happen for him to break away from the right-wing scene? And what if the group persecuted and punished him as a traitor when he stayed away? They would have to report them to the police.

With a deep sigh Friedhelm turns and faces Regina again. “He can go on the training camp. It seems to be our only chance”, he says.

“We might have to tolerate further involvement in the group´s activities”, Regina forces herself to say unable to look Friedhelm in the face which twists in pain. “We can´t do anything but wait and see”, he says resignedly.

Friedhelm has been aware for a long time that he made mistakes. Losing his temper with Felix was only the culminating point. He feels guilty because he actually gave up gaining Felix´ trust a long time ago although he made attempts to keep in touch with him.

Admittedly, he was ambitious, but he had to have experience as a foreign correspondent to have a better chance to become an editor of a well-established newspaper. When he was awarded a prize for his feature on the Solidarity movement in Poland, his reputation as an excellent journalist became widespread. At home between his stints abroad, however, he had to cope with Felix´ moody shyness and Regina´s reproachful silence. It hurt him that his family showed so little recognition for his professional success. So he spent more and more time in his office when he was in Berlin and didn´t go home until he felt sure that Felix was asleep.

A few days after Felix´ tenth birthday Regina told Friedhelm to move out.

IX

Regina tidies up the kitchen mechanically and makes coffee. In order to spend time with Felix before he set off for the training camp, she took the afternoon off cooking pancakes with a filling of mince and spinach which has been one of his favourite dishes for some time. He ate with relish wolfing down six of them which made her feel that he appreciated her effort.

“Have fun and take care”, she said when he left hoping that he didn´t notice how worried she was.

Now, she doesn´t know what to do with the rest of the day. Everything seems meaningless. Sighing deeply she pulls the daily paper in front of her only to shove it away shortly after. She is unable to concentrate on anything.

X

As she dreaded being on her own all weekend, Regina has arranged to meet Susanne, a colleague with whom she likes discussing her work, in the 'Coffee Bean'. Susanne´s daughter Lena is one year older than Felix. Now, Regina feels shackled to the round table having to listen to Susanne, who proudly fills her in on her daughter´s latest achievements. She played the leading role in Friedrich Dürrenmatt´s 'The Visit', which was performed at the Marie-Luise-Gymnasium last week to great acclaim. Regina has to concentrate on smiling attentively and throwing in sympathetic remarks from time to time to show that she is listening and that she is admiring Lena. She doesn´t want Susanne to notice that she is feeling miserable.

“And how is Felix?” she hears Susanne ask.

“Quite well”, she replies automatically. “As you know, he isn´t as active as Lena, but his marks are all right and he goes jogging regularly. Perhaps you remember that he likes drawing.”

“Yes, I remember. When he was little, his drawings were amazing for a child of his age. I have always been a little jealous of you because he was so talented. But then Lena discovered her love of music. She has been promoted to first violin in the school orchestra. Sometimes she is extremely busy with rehearsals besides doing all her homework and revising for exams.”

Susanne only works three days a week to top up the family´s holiday savings account, as she herself said lightly, her husband holding a senior position in a big multinational company. Regina admires the casual elegance of Susanne´s appearance. Her clothes seem made-to-measure, flowing silk fabric showing her slim waist and her long slender legs to advantage. She seems to have achieved perfection in everything, her family life, her children, her profession.

“Are you all right?” .. Susanne´s voice reaches her ears muffled as though she was underwater.

“Sorry”, says Regina. “I can´t stop thinking about one of my patients. I have just started to write my report on the case and …. .”

She starts telling Susanne about the patient.

XI

Friedhelm is sitting on his sofa with his shoulders drooping and staring at the clear amber-coloured liquid in his whiskey glass. From time to time he inhales more deeply to get a whiff of the aroma but he doesn´t mean to drink anything. He always makes himself wait two minutes knowing that before they have passed, he begins to relive the humiliations he suffered as an alcoholic. Not for all the world would he take a sip then.

After Regina had chucked him out, he felt relieved at first. He had always had a guilty conscience – because he used to come home so late in the evenings, because he was away from home so often and because she bottled up her resentment about it. In retrospect, it seems that each of them was sulking in their private corner.

So their separation was supposed to be a good solution for him – they didn´t tear each other apart and there were no rows about money. It was very important for Regina that he visited Felix regularly or that they did something together. The only problem was that Felix felt uncomfortable with him. Watching a funny film or eating ice-cream with Daddy was on his timetable like school or his homework. It was as if Felix couldn´t be himself in his presence, as if he just sat through their time until it was over which was agony for Friedhelm.

After he had dropped Felix off at Regina´s flat, he needed a glass of whiskey to unwind before he was able to do anything else. He was aware that he had always liked wine, his favourite being a fruity light white wine which reminded him of their happiest times, Regina sitting opposite him her wine glass in her hand looking tenderly at him with her light blue-green eyes. But when the disagreements between them erupted more and more frequently into arguments, he needed something stronger in the evening to chase off his worries which were not merely confined to home.

There were the tensions with his colleagues on the editorial staff, the deadlines he had to keep and the discussions with young ambitious journalists who contributed to the culture section he was in charge of. On the one hand he was willing consider their suggestions, on the other hand he had to watch out that they didn´t take over the whole shop. Constantly, he had to defend the position which he had struggled to achieve in the course of his career. After some time one glass of whiskey in the evening didn´t satisfy him any more and he pined for his first glass earlier and earlier in the afternoon.

When he met Meike, a young journalist from Brandenburg whose attitudes were similar to his, he seemed to be able to start a new life. However, Meike suddenly left him after a year or so. Falling in love with a successful entrepreneur from Potsdam whom she had met doing research for a feature, she turned against him seeing in him only the arrogant asshole from the West. Hurt and disappointed he resorted to the bottle again – he shrank from calling up the memories of that time.

As often before he smiled to himself over the thought that it was actually Regina looking enquiringly at him which had helped him to overcome his addiction. Behind his tired lustreless eyes and his pale brittle skin she was seeking the young energetic journalist she had fallen in love with. In his lucid moments he heard her ask him what had become of him and why he had given up on himself.

They had met in 1989 in the euphoric atmosphere induced by the collapse of the Berlin Wall. A few weeks earlier he had just finished his training as a journalist. Since then he had been in Berlin at his own expense in order to experience this historical moment in German history and to write about it. Accompanied by a medical student called Matze who was an amateur photographer, he observed life at the border between East and West Berlin capturing in images and words the crumbling of the old world and people venturing forth into a new era. They were intrigued by the idea of a new Germany that was neither capitalist nor socialist but in which notions and concepts that served the common good could be realized.

When they joined some of Matze´s fellow-students at a table in a bistro, his eyes were caught by Regina because she remained clear-headed despite the exhilarating mood. In contrast with the other two female students she didn´t flirt with him. Nevertheless, he sensed her watching him attentively. At Matze´s birthday party some days later they talked with each other for the first time. She had just started to revise for her final exam. He can still hear her saying: “It´s not exactly easy to concentrate on the dysfunctions of the liver and the kidneys, when a new world is created around you”, which induced him to take her into his arms and to kiss her tenderly. Startled by the wolf-whistles around them they grinned at each other and kissed again more passionately. From that moment they spent a lot of time together walking across Berlin, whenever Regina had the time.

Restless by nature as if on a quest, he felt at peace when he was with her because her equanimity was catching. She knew her place in the world and her goal which no one could deter her from reaching. Unlike him Regina was not critical of the free market economy of Western Germany. It was soon clear to him that she couldn´t question it because she and her family were much more a part of this system than he was.

Regina was one of the students for whom it wasn´t an option not to study, because her parents were academics who expected it from her and supported her financially, as well. Her father was a doctor, her mother a teacher, she always turned to them for guidance and their example was motivation and encouragement for her.

It was amazing that with all that she didn´t feel under pressure. Of course, she had her low moments, but she went through the different stages of this never-ending training programme without ever expressing any doubt that she will make it, because she was destined from her cradle to become a doctor.

In contrast, Friedhelm was the first university student in his family. His parents were born in 1931 and didn´t get a good education because they grew up during World War II. After the war his father – he was just 14 years old - had to work in a coal mine in order to support his mother and his brothers and sisters. Friedhelm´s grandfather had died in a bomb attack during the war. Attending evening classes and signing on to training courses Friedhelm´s father managed to rise to the position of a department manager with a clock manufacturing company. Nevertheless, he always considered himself a child of the working classes and found the division of goods and opportunities in the free market economy unjust.

“The rich become richer and the poor poorer”, he sometimes remarked bitterly.

When he was still at school Friedhelm liked listening to him talking about his experiences and he could identify with his political attitude. He would have liked to be like Robin Hood who took from the rich to give to the needy. While he was studying history and political science at the University, however, he became aware that it was the liberal democratic system that enabled students of working class origin to study the subjects they were interested in and gave them the opportunity to qualify for a demanding and well-paid job. This insight didn´t blind him to the big differences in living standards among students. Some of them lived in a flat with their own kitchen and bathroom in the town centre or close to it, others had to make do with a tiny attic room containing a sink, the toilet located on the floor below.

He had shared a three-room-flat with two fellow students. Due to a student loan which he could stretch thanks to his austerity measures and which he supplemented by doing various jobs, he didn´t have to worry about money.

Although his parents would have preferred him to train as a craftsman or to study engineering they did not try to persuade him to give up his aim of becoming a journalist, which he still felt grateful for. In a way his father could understand his fervent desire to fight against injustice supporting the disadvantaged in society and in the third world. As far back as he could remember, they had had political discussions at home training his skills in argumentation.

Again and again he had been told that he had a talent for writing, by the teacher who was in charge of the school journal, by the professors who read his essays, by the editors who looked after the journalist trainees. Nevertheless he had to work hard to even get temporarily employed. More than once he wondered why a colleague was given preference realizing that talent and hard work weren´t always sufficient and that he had to defend his position more actively, trusting nobody.

Sighing deeply he got up, carried his whiskey glass into the kitchen and poured the contents into the sink.

XII

Reclining in her easy chair in the living room and putting up her legs on a stool, Regina draws a deep sigh. She is both glad about Felix being at home again and exhausted from feeling anxious all the weekend. From the little he told her about the training camp, she gathered that he is proud of himself for sticking it out. As they exercised a lot, his muscles are aching. During a cross-country run he grazed his right knee. He made friends with a boy from his school who is one year older than him. His name is Carlo, he enjoys cooking and he is an excellent footballer. With funny remarks at the right moment, he makes everyone around him laugh. When they arrived he helped Felix to settle in.

Of course, she doesn´t expect Felix to tell her about national socialist rituals or field training exercises. Would she notice if he was in trouble?

She had cooked beef roulades with potatoes and French beans, and they had dinner together.

After helping her tidy up the kitchen, Felix retreated to his room. With a test looming on Tuesday he is spending the evening at home studying.

During dinner she passed on some interesting news, as well. Her friend Dina had sent an e-mail announcing her and her family´s return to Berlin in summer. Dina´s son Henni had been Felix´ best friend until five years ago when Henni´s father was appointed to a professorship at a university in the U.S. They had been neighbours and Henni had been born a few months earlier than Felix.

Coming from India, Dina had made a home for herself, her husband and her children far away from her mother country, from her parents and brothers and sisters, and she didn´t mind that it would only be temporary. Regina likes her very much and she admires her greatly for the dignity and equanimity she radiates which Regina has always associated with her ideal of the cosmopolitan woman.

They had met on the playground nearby and afterwards often visited each other with their children. As Henni was a lively boy who was continually in motion, Felix initially used to seek protection cuddling up to Regina.

It seemed to take forever till he had got used to Henni and even longer till she could leave him at Dina´s when she had an appointment, and he couldn´t come along. Since then Henni and Felix had been inseparable until Henni had to move away which caused Felix to suffer terribly. Regina hoped that they would keep in touch writing e-mails, but neither of them liked writing.

What will it be like when they meet again?

XIII

“… and what about Felix”, asks Friedhelm.

They are sitting in the 'Chocolate Factory' at a table at the window in order to discuss strategy.

“I haven´t noticed anything unusual, except that he goes jogging more often which he is really proud of”, Regina replies. “On Tuesday and on Thursday he met with his friends of the 'Free Youth' for their 'training session' as he calls it. Yesterday evening he also hung out with friends.”

“Has he already told you, when the next training camp is going to take place?” Friedhelm asks.

“No, he hasn´t”, answers Regina. “you know what he is like now. He chooses carefully what he is going to talk about and when. Nevertheless, I feel that it´s very important for him to get along well with me. He always wants to know when I am going to return from work in the evening. We have dinner together and he has even offered to go shopping for food. As this would relieve me of a lot of work, I showed him how happy I was about his suggestion.”

She puts her left hand reassuringly on his right one which is lying limply beside his coffee cup and looks at him searchingly. His face looks drawn, but different than during his addiction. She is sure that he hasn´t started drinking again.

“I know, it must be terribly painful that he doesn´t want to have anything to do with you any more, but don´t give up hope. Eat a piece of cake once in a while”, she adds smiling.

XIV

Friedhelm doesn´t go home right away. The icy air of the windless February afternoon calms his nerves. Looking at the facades of the town houses in the streets and squares while walking aimlessly in the familiar surroundings, he lets his mind wander. Thus he has often found solutions for difficult problems or has even had the occasional brainwave. As far as Felix is concerned, however, there doesn´t seem to be a way of making him give up the 'Free Youth'. Why did he join this group in the first place?

Well, he said that they would defend him. Does that mean that he is teased by his classmates or even bullied? After all, in each class there is at least one mean character who picks on the more sensitive and quiet pupils. He is going to ask Regina to find out. But why on earth did Felix fall prey to the Nazis? Both he and Regina detest their racist ideology and their underhand way of recruiting young people.

Admittedly, in his youth he was critical of the political system, as well, sympathizing with radical ideas. He believed that one day they would form the basis of a fairer world. “Germany to the Germans” and “Foreigners go home”, however, cannot possibly be the foundation of a functioning political and social system. It´s merely inhumane and despicable, especially considering the deportation and annihilation of so many people during the 'Third Reich'.

Friedhelm is practically convinced that Felix isn´t really a racist. He probably feels attracted by the promise of friendship and of security and by the privilege of belonging to a conspiratorial group.

Maybe, he and Regina could have prevented this by being better examples of integration in society themselves. When Felix went to primary school they urged him to join a sports club, but after some time he refused to attend practice. Meanwhile Friedhelm has become aware – theoretically rather than through his own experience – that Felix might have felt more at home there if they had done these things together, as a family – got involved in a club or in the community, barbecue sausages and sell cake at a football tournament or at the annual community fest. Picturing himself in that role he bursts out laughing. He has always been an outsider.

XV

Felix is on his way home from his training session. He and Carlo have just parted, each walking the last leg of their way home alone. Felix is wondering why Carlo has so often been criticized recently. Carlo doesn´t seem to mind, he just shrugged his shoulders in response. Felix admires him for taking everything so easily and for his ability to make people laugh thus making it impossible for anyone to bear a grudge.

His mobile going off makes him jump. Right after touching the call button he hears Carlo murmuring in a panicky voice: “I am being followed, please help me.”

”Where are you?” Felix inquires. He only hears dull thuds and someone crying out in pain. Then the connection breaks off.

Without stopping to think Felix runs back the way he has come as far as the place where they parted and further in the direction Carlo took.

“Carlo, I´m coming.” he shouts as loudly as possible. Due to the row of cars parked at the kerb he is not able to see as far as the bottom of the street. Nevertheless he goes on shouting while running.

“Leave him alone! I´ll call the police! Carlo, I´m coming!”

Halfway down the street he can see two big dark figures hitting and kicking at something on the floor, then disappearing round the next corner. Felix´ stomach contracts as he approaches the scene of the crime.

Kneeling down beside Carlo he takes in his condition. Carlo is lying on his right side, one knee almost touching his chin. His face is swollen, his eyes are closed and blood is dripping from his nose, but he is groaning which raises Felix´ hopes that he is not dying. Still out of breath Felix gasps as reassuringly as he can:

“Carlo, it´s me, Felix, I´m looking after you, mate, don´t worry. I´m calling the ambulance.” Mechanically he dials 112 and answers the official´s questions. Then he turns to Carlo again. Although he is scared of touching him, he forces himself to move him into the stable side position talking in a low voice all the time because he believes it will help Carlo to stay alive. Muffled as if from far away voices reach his ear. Only now does he notice that people have formed a circle around him and Carlo.

“What has happened? Can I help?”, a young woman asks worriedly.

His throat is so dry that trying to reply he only manages to croak something incomprehensible.

Relief floods over him as the sirens of the ambulance and the police signal their approach.

XVI

Regina is standing in front of Felix´ desk her mobile ready to hand looking out of the window. She has not switched on the light in order to be able to survey the street. Each time she hears steps she expects Felix to emerge into the lamp-lit street corner. Different scenarios of what might have led to the delay cross her mind. “Whatever”, she grumbles. “He is supposed to call.”

She was already lying in bed, but got up again when Felix didn´t unlock the door at shortly after 10 pm. Now, she has been waiting for more than half an hour. Should she call the police?

The ringtone of her mobile makes her heart skip a beat. She notices immediately that it is not Felix. Nervously, she fumbles for the call button and … “Yes?”

“Dr. Rebmann?” a male voice inquires.

“Yes?”, she replies mechanically.

“Chief Inspector Wagner”, the voice says as if from far away. “Your son Felix is safe. Apart from a slight shock he is unhurt. He helped a friend who was beaten up and rode with him in the ambulance to the Charité. I´ll give Felix a ride home, now.”

Regina rings off and puts her head on her arms. “Thank God he isn´t hurt”, she thinks.

XVII

First thing in the morning she cancels all her appointments. Then she buys fresh rolls for a delicious breakfast and waits till Felix gets up. Now he is entering the kitchen on wobbly legs sitting down opposite her at the kitchen table.

“Hello, Mum”, he says with a forced smile screwing his eyes.

“Hello, Felix”, she replies tenderly. “Take your time. You needn´t talk until you are ready.”

“But it´s important”, he bursts out. “Carlo told me, that he recognized Siggi from the 'Free Youth'. He was one of the thugs. I must tell the police.”

He groans and lays his head into the hollows of both his hands reminding her of Friedhelm.

“I´ll phone them right away”, Regina says.

Shortly afterwards they are sitting around the table in the living room together with Chief Inspector Wagner and a younger colleague who takes notes. Trying to describe Siggi, Felix is struggling for words. Around 30 years old he is tall and muscular with blond hair cropped very short and strikingly bright-blue eyes in a tanned face. He is one of the leaders of their group of the 'Free Youth'.

“Maybe his real name isn´t Siggi”, Felix murmurs sounding ashamed.

“You may be right”, Inspector Wagner says with an encouraging smile.

“I could draw his face for you”, Felix offers.

In amazement the police officers watch Felix deftly sketching a life-like portrait.

“I know that bloke”, he says flatly. “Thank you, Felix, you have been a great help. Do you have any idea why they beat up Carlo?”

Felix hesitates. “Carlo is different”, he says. “He didn´t take things as seriously as the others ... including me. I took to him because he was always cheerful and made us laugh. I always thought everyone liked him. Maybe he looked through all that. But why didn´t he just stay away then?”

Sighing deeply, Inspector Wagner gets up and Regina sees the two police officers to the door.

XVIII

Nervously fumbling at the top button of his coat Friedhelm is waiting in front of Regina´s flat. Still numb with shock he is struck by her happy smile when she opens the door. He follows her into the kitchen and says hello to Felix, who is sitting at the table looking tired and a little anxious.

“I´m so happy, that you are safe”, Friedhelm says, his tone of voice expressing his relief.

He sits down opposite Felix gratefully accepting a cup of coffee.

“How are you”, he asks looking worriedly at him.

“I can´t help thinking of Carlo”, Felix replies. “... the dull thuds when they kicked him again and again, Carlo lying on the ground bent double, his swollen face, the blood … all that haunts me.”

“Carlo is still in intensive care”, Regina adds. “He has serious head injuries and contusions all over his body. Examinations for internal injuries are still going on. Doctors are unable to predict if he´ll recover completely. In any case it´ll take a long time to cope with the trauma caused by the assault.”

As he doesn´t want to tire Felix out, Friedhelm doesn´t stay long. Saying good-bye Felix meets his father´s affectionate gaze for a moment saying “I am really sorry, Dad.”

“It´s all right”, Friedhelm replies reassuringly.

While Regina shows Friedhelm to the door, she whispers:

“Guess what I saw when I emptied the rubbish into the bin downstairs?”

She pauses expectantly while enjoying Friedhelm´s uncomprehending expression.

“Felix` black hoodie”, she says, beaming.

XIX

Regina checks the rooms of her practice to make sure that all the windows are closed, the blinds let down halfway and the electrical appliances unplugged except for the fridge and the telephone. The materials she wants to browse through during her holidays are already in front of the door as is the rubbish bag. After a final look around she locks the door, goes down the staircase and steps onto the street below.

Tomorrow she is going to Hamburg, to her parents where Felix, Carlo and Henni have already been staying for a week of their summer holidays. She has been looking forward to this for a long time.

When they talked on the telephone Felix told her that Carlo was fascinated by the harbour and that they had already been there twice. On a boat trip they had watched container ships being loaded and unloaded and they had even seen a gigantic luxury cruise ship landing. Carlo was especially intrigued by the historic sailing ships they saw in the 'Traditionsschiffhafen'. Now, he is dreaming of going on a cruise in one of them. Regina is glad about this because Carlo needs dreams in order not to be crushed by his terrible memories.

Amazingly, he has almost completely regained his bodily health, but he tires easily and gets a headache whenever he overstretches himself. Felix observed that he sleeps fitfully, sometimes crying out in his sleep or switching on the light after waking up from a nightmare.

She frowns in puzzlement thinking of Carlo´s motivation for joining the 'Free Youth': he wanted to do something about the Nazis.

“Like my grandfather and great-grandfather”, he said with a wry smile during a visit Felix and Regina paid him in hospital. “They were active in the Resistenza fighting against the fascists.”

When Felix joined, Carlo was actually about to quit, but he was scared of his comrades´ revenge.

At the end of June Dina and her family moved back to Berlin. Since then Henni has helped Felix look after Carlo. The three of them were already planning to travel together across the USA after graduation.

On his own initiative Felix spends a few hours every week with Friedhelm. They go for long walks, especially in the former border region Friedhelm telling Felix about the divided Berlin and the time of the opening of the Wall, when they met for the first time. At the end of July, one week before school starts Friedhelm is taking Felix to Danzig for a few days.

Regina pushes the front door open and climbs up the staircase to the third floor. Slightly out of breath she rummages for her keys in her handbag and unlocks the door to her flat. As always when Felix isn´t at home for a few days, she feels as if she was plunging into a void, but immediately checks herself wondering about being so irrational. There is no reason for her to be unhappy as Felix has a father, good friends and plans for the future. He is out of danger.